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05/16/2012

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Sunderland on polished draft
05/18/2012 7:22am

Clearly you worked hard on this and create a good draft. There is work to be done, however.
-better beginning quote needed. You need one that conveys empire of liberty idea not just MI river stuff
-Get rid of slideshow. Ineffective. Integrate images of slideshow into the argument as appropriate
-use buttonlinks rather than just textlinks for back, thesis and next links
-Overall, very texty. Only complete sentences should be thesis and topic sentences (1 per page at top of page) All other text should be bulletted phrases. Furthermore, more effective integration of visuals needed. Make meaningful visuals clickable/enlargeable. This is tough given that your argument is pretty abstract but you've got to find a way. (Olivia might have some advice. She has some frustrations with this as well.)
-You really need to delve into the empire of liberty idea more. Specifically, you need to get into how Jefferson viewed freedom and government so that viewer can understand why he felt more land was needed. You've only got the top layer of this right now and need to go deeper. (land ownership = independence = freedom. therefore for America to be a free country, we must have enough land for our people. more land means more freedom available for future generations)
-Gadsden purchase as your example of expansion? Really? Couldn't come up with a lamer example? How about Mexican Cession? Oregon?
-Connection between rights and purchase unclear
-Paperwork landing page is blank. Just get rid of it and have separate pages for proc paper and bib.
-put proc paper page before bib page
-no scribd for proc paper. put it straight in

Overall: 42/50

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